Counseling sessions

I went for counselling sessions for bonus mark.
There was no effect
because there was no difference before and after.
She didn’t dig.
She was challenging me, which have no effect on me.
Because I didn’t go to think depth in the topic that she challenged.
Most things she said I know already
And I think this is not what I want.
She tried to impose some value to me.
She tried to force me
But she dunno I am stubborn person
who have difficulty to accept it.
The so called therapeutic relationship has not developed.

Then, in return, I come up with my comments.
(uncontrollable, just will think) Haha, so me.
I think she have her own issues haven’t resolved.
I think she is lack of patient.
I think she has difficulty to develop relationship.
I think she is stressful and not relax. And so, I cant relax.
Even I want to cross my leg as I always do in the past also cant.
I think she focus on technique and her assignment, instead of person.
She didn’t ask clear question which I think I am confused.
I think this is terrible.
She showed the expressions of wanting to force me
It is obvious in the setting she designed and the way she talked.
She dunno what I need.

Come back to think of my other friends’ sessions.
They always were waiting for the next session to come.
The relationship developed
Because the flow of information is two-ways
There were interpretations that matched with philosophy.
There were stories.
He dug and threw a lot of questions.
She felt that she was tired after the session.
She said “I finally found someone who understand me”
Trust and closeness developed.
They have homework and things to think after the session.
Then, they found their own answer
And then come to understand themselves better.
They express a will of wishing to continue
Even after bonus mark fulfilled.

Well. It doesn’t matter. I believe in fate.
Every experience happened for its own reason.
I think I can learn many things from these again.
Haha..

Thesis

Yea, I am doing thesis now.
My idea was developed based on my experience.
When I first met my supervisor, she liked my idea.
I am happy because she accepted my creativity.

Then, I studied the history and I studied the way to analyze.
It is a long journey.
Finally, I made decision and designed my experiment.
It is stressful
I have used up large amount of my time and energy.
I found out the inadequacy of certain stuff
It should be the future direction.
I know my inadequacy to do certain stuffs
Anyway, I have tried my best.

Second time I met her with my draft,
she help me to restructure something.
She said “it is interesting” after she gave her comments.
Her compliment is powerful
And it motivated me to like my experiment.

Third time I met her and told her my problem,
She gave me a guideline.
After that, she said “it’s good”

Fourth time I met her to sign my ERB
She said “I might want to involve in it”.
Should I move with tear now? haha
But I also with a sense of afraid d..haha

Hmm…Not everyone know how to accept
And yet able to set the well-positioning boundary.
Isnt it good to have such a friend-like teacher?
She did not instruct me. She did not force me.
She be with me and develop with me.
I learned in this way, not only about thesis
but also way to be a good teacher.

Yea. It makes me like counselling even more.
What matter is not subject, is the people.
Just like it is boring to study history for certain people,
but it become not once they met the right teacher.
I am fortunate. :)

You

I saw you again this time.
However, I am difference now.
No longer willing, no longer confidence and no longer with the ablity.

I saw your steps, it looked so heavy, it seem talking about your mood.
Your back was bowed, it seem expressing a feel of no choice.
Your eyes looked empty.
Your words is filled with sense of helplessness.
You seem sending out a message of nearly broken pillar.

It seem that you are experiencing a feeling that millions of troops pressing down on you.
The feeling is wack in your heart.
The heart is paining and yet you dunno why you feel pain.
You sudden feel that you yourself are no longer existed.
Nothing can be done and nothing can be thought of.

Although is empty, you are still being tugged at.
It's seem like the center of the nearly broken pillar still making desperate effort to hold up.
Because it is clearly known that the collapsed pillars will be countless once the center break down. Then you dunno how much time you need to clean away the broken pillar.

It is just like taking toothpicks to put under the eyelids, no matter how hurt is it. Once the toothpicks taken away, the heaviness of the eyelids will cause the eyes closed. Then, you dunno when you can open your eyes again.

You are smiling, you are chatting, you are trying to portray that you are ok.
Somehow, sensitive me still tell me that it is not true.
They are still affecting your life.

When I started to see again, i am stuck in between.
I wonder I want to close my eyes or go to look clearer.
I know the past experience still blocking me.

Anyway, I believe that you will get well soon because you are still trying hard.
At that time, you will be stronger.

Two minutes speech

It's just 2 minutes, yet the effect is great on me. It doesnt matter when I am on stage, it does matter before and after the speech.

Before my turn, too nervous until heart rate increase, hand palm cold and head numb.

When it is my turn, i dun remember what I told to public. I will suspect that whether i have left out any sentence. Since i was blank and can only just concentrate on the flow of speech, two minutes is just a blink of eye.

"A very good morning to everyone. Today, I would like to talk about myself. Over the past year, i think i have changed a lot but there is one thing never change. It is "I am stubborn".

For example, I will choose to use raincoat instead of umbrella, although it seem embarrassing. it is because i think that using umbrella when raining, i will still get wet, I would rather use raincoat. Besides that, I also have a bicycle. To some people, cycling might not suitable for girl, but i never bother about it.

I seldom change my things. This watch and this beg, I have used for 7 years already. I also always wear this jacket. i think they are my friends. I think it is useful as i can put a lots of things in my pocket and it give me a sense of secure. It accompany me to attend activities, giving speech and go for exam as well.

I remember my mom told me that, when i first study kindergarten, she wanted me to take school bus to kindergarten, but I refused. She have to take my head and the bus auntie have to take my leg to put me on seat. However, before the bus drove into another alley, I choose to jump down from bus and ran back to home.

When I grow up, there is something happen. Tsunami and the death of my grandma stimulate my thought. i started to study harder and wanted to become vegetarian. i think it bring me to college today and i have become vegetarian for three years already.

I think, stubborn play a big role in my life.

Thank you!"

Still got five seconds, what i can say is just "stubborn, means persistent but it also means that the difficulty to agree with what i dun think is correct".

After the presentation, heart rate maintain, hand palm remain cold plus the scenes about the presentation keep coming back to me. Sound like PTSD huh... Have to admit that it was affecting me. The things is it is not a couple of minutes thingy, can be hours, can be days.

Dun really know how to explain why.

True

After being critiqued, not being acknowledged.
Some people have the chance to reverse the tide.
Some people do not have it.
Cannot blame on the others
Cannot blame on the fate.
Can only blame on oneself who choose to give up at that time.

Time will prove everything.
The only faith is to believe in oneself.
The fake one is just ephemeral, will disappear
Only the true one can last
Your sincerity, Your seriousness, Your firm.

Magic show

I like to play puzzle, logo and chess since small.
I like the process, i think.
Win or lose, able to produce a successful picture or not
doesnt really matter.
I like to search for an answer
and then search for a question from the answer.
That's why I like depth and dun like speed.
In short, i like to think and imagine which require time.

KC write in her blog "she must be too busy analyzing how the magician trick the people."
-Yes, I agree and I was
KC write in her blog "rather than to enjoy the 'magic' itself".
-What is magic?
-hehe...I think I enjoyed magic very much. I always like to play games and included magic.
KC said "I realized magic is for stupid people who don't think. When you think too much, magic isn't for you." When one think so much, everything seems ' li suo dang ran' and unexciting.
-Hehe, depend on the definition of excitement.
-Hmm...also depend on the definition of stupid.

Actually, it's trill for me to solve the puzzle of the magic.
It's interested me because I am curious about it.
Then, i will start searching for the answer and about "how".
I even know some rumor or theory about the magic, such as using little ghost to help them (养小鬼) and using ghost to close your eyes (鬼遮眼). It's interesting. Haha
Then, sometime, if you observe some magician, you will notice some of them have always been off colour.

I enjoy guessing and analyzing when watching magic.
Especially at the moment of "I get it" "oic"
It is true that I do not enjoy the dreams magic created such as dissappear from this world, produce a lots of money and become the gamble king.
It is dirty for me.
However, I do admire their wisdom, by being able to create such trick, no mather is to bluff people or give people a hope.
I enjoy the piece of wisdom produced by human.
I do enjoy the magic, but enjoy in difference way.

Haha...i like to play this in blog as well, it's fun. Haha *Smile* :)

Wedding

After class, took bus, attended this.
When I reach, it's late night and i late for 2 hours.
I took a turtle bus...
This time didnt dress up to suit the event.
Because it's rush and inconvenience to take bus.
Dunno what to say when reach there, very me..
Haha..
Jt chit chat about each other and took photo.
She is elegant. :)






Hmm...I am TALL. :P

It's too late

Some thoughts, it's too late to tell.
Some things, it's too late to do.
Some dreams, it's too late to realize.
All become regrets when it's too late.

Who disappear have no alternative.
Who live have to go on.
To realize the shared dream
And to share the experienced happiness and bitterness.

It is to carry along every shared things.
Let the regret and life continue to live in mind.
It's because do not want to part with them
And let them disappear in this world.

The depth of the life.
The sincerity of the feeling.
The maturity of the mind.
Have become the axis of the story.

Missing someone become the motivation to live on.
Dream have become the only hope.
Imagination is the only spirit to let the story continue.

Schedule

Just finish the second week of semester by registering subjects and tutorial.
Now, is moving toward the third week of new semester.
Still can chill and relax??....Hmm...Guess what i need to prepare.

Third week is the global marketing assignment deadline and the presentation of this proposal (20 minutes each group).
Fourth week is the thesis proposal deadline, exam for the Global marketing and the presentation of knowing myself (5 minutes), proposed construct deadline.
Fifthweek is the movie essay deadline and thesis defence (with Q&A).
Then, YEAH!! Happy new year!!!
Should be happy?
Is the midterm immediately after new year celebration. =="
Then, many group projects coming up.
Every Sunday being preoccupied by Training 9-6pm.

So called life. Sometime, I dunno whether i should cry or smile.
Substantial or toil.

Immediately, coming to sick while completing projects, due to the decreasing of immune system.

Anyway, this is what i choose. Isn't it?
When being closed into A and B, have to choose A or B.
No matther what has been chosen, each path have their way of going on and this is the way to go.

Things done bits by bits, road taken bits by bits.
Everything accumulated to something.
After day by day, month by month, year by year.
When looking back, time still flies.
What left?
Depend on me to say.

Anyway, here I am, reaching certain section of the path.
Looking at the differences scenarios surrounded.
Bringing along the wondering mind.

Sharing happiness

Hey, she is getting married this month.
She called and invited me.
How long have we not been contacting each other?
I have forgotten.
How long have we been friend with each other?
Almost 13 years.
How much I know about her?
Before I further my study, quite many of things which she reluctant to talk about.
Now, I dunno anything as we seldom update ourselves with each other.
Are our lives still interact with each other?
We are walking into different paths but we still know that each other existed.
Have we forgotten each other?
Never, it's just in the long-term memory.
It need something to recall and retrieve this part of information.
Sometime, it's still able to appear in the short-term memory.
We still in each other mind because we once appear in each other lives.

Hey, the feeling.....I dunno how to describe...
Haha...mushy mushy...:P
When she called, memories flies back.
It is a critical period for most of the people.
For me, she is sharing her happiness.
I would like to think in this way.
So, no matter how busy, I would like to participate.
What caused this motivation?
It is because the value in my mind.

I just discover that distance away "me" coming back.
Which I almost thought that "me" has disappeared.
This part of me never change.
It is just faded because of something but not disappear.
Something can make it float again.
Why?
Because.....
it is deep? it is the habit? it is importance? refuse to let it go?
stubborn to hold it? it's made me?
Dunno

hey...
It's means we are becoming adult and getting older. We are moving into the next stage of life. BUT...we are still exist.
Of coz, we dunno about the future. Next stage, next next stage....we dunno.
But now, we are passing thro another stage and still existing.

Let me escape from the academic environment for a while. I am not only with subjects, study in future, and story about college and jobs. I dun want to blind my eyes. I want to see and feel that there are another way of life going on. It's definitely not small. Hey....it's them. You know? People that rarely appear in college and who only used to be part of my life and shaped my life.

Haha...one news that stimulate thoughts and feelings.
Hmm...just wish her well.
Pushing down the wine shop sign for their 7 years of love happily. In actual, is 9 years, just something happen in between. However, it made them even strong.:)

Hole

One day, there was a person walking toward his destination.
He passed by a hole and wanna to know what is inside the hole.
He put his hand into the hole and could not touch anything.
He said:"the hole is too deep, I can't touch anything."
Another person said:"why people always said the hole is too deep and not said that my hand is too short."

Merely like this story. Hahaha.
Laugh my lung out.
Not laugh for the joke. Just feel like to laugh.

When is it full?

Once upon a time, there was a disciple learn skill from a teacher.
After a few years, the disciple felt that he had learned enough and he requested to leave the school and wanna to develop his own business.

The teacher asked him:" What is the meaning of enough?"
The disciple answered:" When it is full already."

Then, the teacher asked the disciple to get the big bowl to see him. The teacher got the stones to fill the big bowl full and asked:" Is it full?". The disciple answered:"Yes, it is"
Then, the teacher got the sands and still could fill into the bowl and he asked:"Is it full already?" The disciple still answered:"Yes"
Again, the teacher got the lime and still could fill into the bowl and he asked:"Is it full already?" The disciple was getting nervous, but he still felt that the bowl had full. So, he still answered:"Yes"
This time, the teacher got the water and still could fill into the bowl and he asked:" So, is it full already?" The disciple did not answer this time.

This was because he had understood that the "full" (满)he means was just what he thought. In reality, it was not the true "full" but just his own complacent (自满). There are still many detail things unnoticed and need to further refine it whereas with complacent, it only stopped self from going further far.

His dream

He has forgotten that he is the teacher and we are the students only. We are not his team.
He place too much of expectation on us and we know there is limitation to help. Because we still have our world.
His dream is all of his world, but it's not ours, it's just partly of our world. So, it is almost impossible.

It's sad when listen to him how he wish to realize his dream.
It's too big and it's not something we can achieve.
Therefore, we remain silent.
It's sad when he is thinking too much because he make himself even sad. The more we are not motivated, the more he will indulge at fail.

I would like to question, is there any dream can be realized without sacrifice and risk?

I think it is almost impossible. However, he never thinking of retreat a bit to satisfied both sides. What can be done? He let go the opportunities himself.

There is alternative for him provided by his fans and supporters, but he reject. There is possibility to gain the resources, but he cant pull down his face. Yet, he want to realize his dream. How?

What I can see is, personality and attitude shaped a person's life and this is the path he choose.

2012

She asked me whether i believe that year 2012 is the end of the world.

I said, let's dun care whether believe in it or not. Let's think what would we like to do if year 2012 is really the end of the world?

She is talking about the future.
I am talking about the present.

When there are so many choices, it is a good way to be used to make a decision. Counting down on the two year, what i would like to do? Then, i will know the answer. :)

Don't understand

There are many things i dun understand.
Nobody can give me answer.

After hoping and hoping again, what can be gained is just disappointing. Finally, it come to desperation.

There are many things have no answer, or I should said cannot be given an answer. It is having no choice.

I know there is nothing in this world. The busy appearance is only that emptiness.

I wanna to find my own sky and starting my adventure. When there is no one can give me an answer, i can only depend on myself to search for the answer. Bringing along the courage and perseverance to set off.

Dun wanna to stay and wasting my time on the emptiness and yet cant get any answer.

There are many stuffs I wanna to break away from, to leave the created complicated. I just wanna to go back to the simple life, simple mind and simple person.

For everything, the simplest is the easiest to be understood.